Poem 11 - "Mother's Day"
Mother’s Day
Avigayil Rosensweig
Although, in stories, so often, I write
About baseball and Talmud—
Hammering out the same themes until the center wears thin;
I blame The Chosen
And my childhood:
Too many afternoons with scorching strands of grass underfoot,
Clods of spongey gravel spraying the field,
Too many evenings watching pages turn in heavy bound books
To the familiar drone of unfamiliar words
—You said to me, once,
Eyebrows raised,
“We are more alike than you care to admit,”
And I wondered if I’d ever denied it.
If I only had the words—
I like the visual that you create here, especially the attention to detail. I think the details of this are the strongest part of the piece. When you say "heavy bound books" I think of a Gemara, which makes me think of a father. In fact, your allusion to the chosen also makes me think this poem is about a father figure rather than a mother, so I found the title confusing.
ReplyDeleteI don't quite understand what you are trying to do with the ending. Is this a child speaking?
Overall, nice job with the images you set up and pretty words.
I got the impression from this poem that the descriptions chosen (haha pun intended :p) were meant to evoke associations with a father figure. Just to show how awesome a boss of a mom she is! I got this from the references to baseball, Talmud, hammering, The Chosen, grass underfoot, gravel spraying the field, heavy bound books...that was an interesting choice that I found really effective, much more so than saying "My mother defies gender stereotypes."
ReplyDeleteI also like that 4/5 of this poem is actually describing the speaker rather than her mother, and the only time she make mention of the mother (which we expect from the title) is when she tell her "We are more alike than you care to admit." So we don't actually know a thing about the mother, except that we are meant to extend all this exciting information about the speaker onto the mother. I found that really cool.
It's also interesting that if you take out the dashes, the crux of the sentence really reads:
Because in stories I write so often about baseball and Talmud, you said to me once, eyebrows raised, "We are more alike than you care to admit."
I'm not sure exactly what that's supposed to do...it is cool that the speaker draws out this whole image of her childhood, yet all she really says is the writing, baseball, and Talmud are the thing that binds her to her mother.
"If I only had the words --" is poignant in that it's an unfinished thought, reaching but not quite there, but it did feel a touch out of place for me. I would look for a slightly less opaque way to connect it to the last thought, or maybe move it to the beginning?
First line edited--hopefully clearer
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the mother's day poem. These last two poems are nicely worked within the scope of their intentions and feel natural and honest. I do wonder if this one wouldn't benefit from being longer. There are couple places here that seem to me to asking for a little development.
ReplyDeleteThe first is in this line: "Hammering out the same themes until the center wears thin"
I like that thought, but I feel like the poem would be better if you developed this by embodying the "themes" with a simile or metaphor in an additional line to follow. You could try to connect the idea of the center wearing thin to something related to baseball or reading the Talmud, for example.
The imagistic middle part of your poem after the line ending with the word "childhood" is my favorite part. I find that passage clear and vivid.
The other part that I thought could use a little development is the very end.
"If I only had the words--"
I get the irony here. I understand that you are setting this up to register the irony between "so often writing" as stated above but not communicating so well with the mother. As I see it, it is a poem about a writer who pursues her intellectual and personal interests at the expense of better understanding with her mother.
So I feel like I see where you are going here (I hope), but I feel like the poem needs just a little bit more to drive home the emotional punch of the revelation at the end. Perhaps a line that helps further establish an emotional tone. I wouldn't want to be hit over the head with an overly neat and tidy ending, and I do like that you are crediting the intelligence of your readers. That said, I feel like there is an emotional context to this poem that is currently too latent to reveal its full emotional power.
Otherwise, I like this quite a bit. I admire the poem's candor and compression.
I love how you start the poem- letting the reader know right away that your interests are among more intellectual and sport like- which is not the first image associated with women.. but that makes you- you :)
ReplyDeleteI am unsure of what your reference of "the Chosen" means... I would love to find out though.. as Maybe I will better understand the poem, or maybe there's a way to include a line for those that don't know.
"scorching strands of grass underfoot,
Clods of spongey gravel spraying the field,
Too many evenings watching pages turn in heavy bound books" - gorgeous imagery here, very vivid and it helps the reader bring the scene to life. I like the book reference because it connects to your previous Talmud reference.
"To the familiar drone of unfamiliar words"- my favorite line of the poem! Very clever!
You set up the scene at the end of your poem, when the mother comes and confronts her daughter who, from what I can tell, is not so similar to her. I do not understand how the title though is relevant- so I would love to understand that ..
Overall, there is a lot of good things happening throughout this poem and I enjoyed reading it!
This is probably my favorite one of your blog poems, just for the record. (Though it's a close tie with the haiku about words of one sound.)
ReplyDelete