Poem(s)14 - Six Haikus


Six Haikus
Avigayil Rosensweig

Snow Past Dark
Half moon window dark
Snow sleets unseen except in
penumbra of lamp

The Plain Meaning
Hand strokes beard, wool-white
"They said, 'but the plain meaning.'
For 'and' I would stay."

Central Park Statue
Squirrel stiff on park bench
Eye like glass, muscles quiver
Startled--leaps--scampers

Lu'lei D'mistifina
"I would disagree
Did I not tremble to dare"
And then he argued

Dust Storm
Sand settles on cars
We draw pictures on windows
Clear grit with fingers

Not Enough
One sound words they are
short not hard to work with but
do not quite say en--   

Comments

  1. Judy LesermanApril 18, 2018 at 8:37 AM

    These are great! I'm not sure if you were trying to mimic the effect of translating Chinese into English like in "Snow Past Dark" and "Central Park Statue"-- if you were, it was spot on, but if not, they could benefit from some punctuation. "Not Enough" is wonderful and charming, but I would also consider revising the syntax or adding punctuation, like "One sound words, they are short, not hard to work with, but do not quite say en--". "Lu'lei D'mistifina" is perfect. As is "The Plain Meaning".

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  2. Shoshana RozenbergApril 23, 2018 at 7:27 PM

    Each of these haikus makes you think which is really great for such short, yet profound pieces. I really like how the first is just one long sentence with twits and turns throughout. The third one paints a great picture which reminds me of Scratch from Ice Age so good job! The 4th one is beautiful. I really love the last one, its great!

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  3. Gaby AboudiApril 23, 2018 at 8:47 PM

    These are all really great. I am especially in love with the last one, "Not enough."
    I like how you filled the haiku with "one sound" words. I really like how in "Plain meaning," it is just one sentence. It was so smart to add that into a haiku. It's hard to do that with the structure of the haiku, but you managed to do it really well. I love "Dust Storm," it described such a clear picture. I could almost feel my fingers drawing through the sand. Great use of the word "grit."
    Really good job with these.

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  4. UnknownApril 24, 2018 at 2:42 PM

    I honestly liked all of them and specifically loved the second to last one. I thought it was short, neat, and well written. "Central Park Statue" made me feel as if I was in central park myself while noticing a statues details. Thought this was amazing writing and that you conveyed the moment extremely well. All of these were short yet showed so much in so few lines. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yael MayerMay 6, 2018 at 7:19 PM

    Okay, one by one:
    "The Plain Meaning
    Hand strokes beard, wool-white
    "They said, 'but the plain meaning.'
    For 'and' I would stay."

    I want to know what you meant by this. Is the scholar wishing they appreciated many answers, and thus wishes to hear an "and" before the final argument, rather than a "but"?

    Central Park Statue
    Squirrel stiff on park bench
    Eye like glass, muscles quiver
    Startled--leaps--scampers

    I love how the title is unexpected- Central Park has actual statues, and yet you talk about a live, moving being who for a moment becomes one. only issue is that I say "squirrel" as like 1.5 syllables, so that encounters a bit of rhythmic trouble. Genius tho.

    Lu'lei D'mistifina
    "I would disagree
    Did I not tremble to dare"
    And then he argued

    Ah, "did I not tremble to dare" rather than "dare to tremble" as it usually is- to be apprehensive of even daring, and thus trembling- I want more, but I know its a haiku, so it ends. I love how you end off with "then he argued"- theres a whole story that unfolds beyond the words.

    Not Enough
    One sound words they are
    short not hard to work with but
    do not quite say en--

    This is my absolute favorite. Haikus can be really limiting; here, you USE that limit to convey your point, brilliantly. I'm raving. Love. it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. SearcherMay 14, 2018 at 10:11 PM

    Searcher insists that
    Some haikus really end with
    Refrigerator

    ReplyDelete
  7. SearcherMay 14, 2018 at 10:12 PM

    OH M Y GOD I JUST GOT ONE SOUND WORDS
    I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU FOR WRITING THAT

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SearcherMay 14, 2018 at 10:13 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete

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