Poem 5 - "A Sonnet for the Subway Riders"

A Sonnet for the Subway Riders
Avigayil Rosensweig

The day was dying over into night
And I descended duly underground
And saw the subterranean carriage light
That round red eye that pointed homeward bound
Through parted doors, the dozing riders peered
In heavy-lidded, end-of-day fatigue
I claimed my seat, the beast unfurled and reared
And galloped down the tunnel, league by league
Each shoulder pressed against the next, they sagged
Their daylight lives emphatically remote
The sprawling man who clutched a plastic bag
The woman in the camel-colored coat
Beneath the city, in this buried part
This pulsing cavern deep within its heart

Comments

  1. SearcherFebruary 28, 2018 at 10:58 AM

    Somehow you have made the rat-ridden, high-stinking cesspit that is the New York City subway system sound freaking majestic or something. That may actually violate a rule of nature.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Judy LesermanMarch 12, 2018 at 11:55 AM

    There's so much poetry beneath the five boroughs and you've managed to bring some of it to light! This is such a beautiful description of the commute, of so many tired bodies, so many different people traversing the tunnels to make it back home. My only suggestion is to reconsider some of the punctuation... maybe:

    The day was dying over into night
    [As] I descended duly underground
    And saw the subterranean carriage light[,]
    [t]hat round red eye that pointed homeward bound[.]
    Through parted doors, the dozing riders peered
    [i]n heavy-lidded, end-of-day fatigue[.]
    I claimed my seat[.] [T]he beast unfurled and reared
    [a]nd galloped down the tunnel, league by league[,]
    [e]ach shoulder pressed against the next, they sagged
    [t]heir daylight lives emphatically remote[:]
    [t]he sprawling man who clutched a plastic bag[,]
    [t]he woman in the camel-colored coat[.]
    Beneath the city, deep within its heart[,]
    [t]his cavern where we’re each a pulsing part[.]

    Oh I just realized maybe all the first lines were supposed to be capitalized. Either way works! Maybe the punctuation changes the whole meaning... with or without, I really love this poem!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yael MayerMay 6, 2018 at 7:26 PM

    This so clearly paints a gorgeous picture of a nighttime subway. Rhythmic comments- "subterranean" is one syllable extra and that line doesn't fit so well with the meter scheme, but that could be okay, bc its just one line.

    I also want you to do a bit more with the last line- the rest of the poem is far too good to end with a cliche line like "we're all a part". If you want to stick with the heart theme, maybe

    Beneath the city, under water main
    This cavern where we’re each a pulsing vein

    or

    Beneath the city, deep within its heart
    This cavern where pretensions come apart

    or

    Beneath the city, deep within its heart
    This cavern has an equalizing art.

    Something of that nature.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Avigayil RosensweigMay 9, 2018 at 5:51 PM

    Updated

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mindy SchaperAugust 28, 2019 at 9:46 PM

    Hi. You don't know me, but I used to go to the shul that your fiance grew up in. Your new in laws posted about the engagement and I looked you up and found this. I've been reading all your poems and this is my favorite so far. They are all moving and descriptive and deep. I write poetry too and love to see good poems.

    ReplyDelete

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